Sick and Rambling

I have been sick for more than a week now! I am tired and need to sleep but I cannot get comfortable. So i have been thinking a lot. First about this dreaded sickness.. (I promise that this will lead into some thing good in the end.)

It started out as a little cough and then all hell broke loose in my body. You know the Nyquil commercial, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever... blah blah blah. By Thursday night I was exhausted. I made it through the closing shift at work and then I was done. On Friday I spent a whole day in bed. I got up for an hour, took a shower and then went back to bed for 6 hours. Somewhere in there I was up long enough to have a chocolate shake and then back to bed.

Saturday was better and then the fever hit. I ended up in Urgent Care after work on Sunday with a 101 fever and lots of asthma symptoms. The doctor started me on some antibiotics and steroids for my asthma. I felt a little better for a few days and then Wednesday ended up back to the doctor for asthma problems. When I got to the of ice I was not feeling well at all. I had a fever of 100, not bad and was short of breath from walking in the office. The doctor said that my lungs were in bad shape. I was wheezing and he couldn't hear any air moving in the lower sections of my lungs. The fever is probably an autoimmune response of my body reacting to all of the inflammation in my lungs. After talking about how to manage the asthma and the coughing and sore throat I ended up having 2 shots of steroids, one to work right away and a longer lasting one. Steroids are a great thing to do what need to be done for my lungs but the side effects have got to go. They make my very thirsty and so I am up several times a night to use the potty.

So, last night I was up EVERY hour from 1am-5am and then I had a terrible coughing fit. My lungs were very tight from not coughing all night thanks to the cough medication. Seems to be a bad cycle. I will spare you the rest of the details about what 4 days of antibiotics does to your digestive track, but that is when I was done!

Now, backing up to Home Team last night- We were talking about our time with God. Compared to last year do we feel like we are closer to God or have we taken a step back? Why do we plan to spend time with God and then we don't? Why after knowing from past experience that time with God is what we need, do we choose not to get with God? I have all intentions of Glorifying God and doing what he wants from my life, and some days I have all intentions and time to spend time in God's Word. And I don't. I read blogs, check my email, play with the dog, watch reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, you know, pretty much everything except reading my Bible. God will make a way for us to be with Him!

So at 7:00 this morning after my body was completely exhausted from being up all night, I sat in the bathroom and prayed. I prayed for God to show me what is next. I asked God to give me a godly attitude toward fellowship. I begged God to restore my heart to a place where HE can change it. I prayed for a desire to see God and His plans for me, my friends, and my family in a new light that only God can provide. I prayed for my body to be healed. I prayed for a friend's shoulder pain to go away and for his daughter to be healed from a serious illness. Even though I was in pain and very tired, I had time with God, in the bathroom.

This last year has been an odd year. I know that I am not were I should be in my walk with God. My desire to spend time with God is just not there, this is concerning but I cannot seem to change it. I have learned so much this year. I know that God has been working in me through this year. I have experienced things this year that I never would have thought I would. There have been amazing things and their have been terrible things. There has been much joy and laughter and much sadness and grief.
I am excited about 2007, yet anxious and today I know that God is still here...

You shouldn't be reading this here,

but you are.

I will not go into many details now (or maybe ever here on the blog), but I feel like life is a mess. Not mine, but ours. I cannot sleep, all I can do is think and pray. I wish I could turn my brain off, or at least the though process center of my brain.

Maybe he was right, if I could just go to sleep for a while and wake up, it would all be a dream and all would be fine.

I cannot help but think that this should be happening to another church somewhere else, far, far away. Why would I wish such confusion, fear, anger, hurt, and sadness on other Believers? Doesn't seem very nice, but I guess we think about these kinds of things when we just wish it wasn't us.

It would be nice if it was someone else far, far away... but we all know that it is not. It is us. And we must deal with this. We must move on. We must move forward.

God has ordained this for us now, He has promised to complete the good work in us. Now is the time.

My Only Hope

I love our deck. I love the view. I love watching the birds play along the back tree line. I love listen to the sound of bugs and birds in the tress that surround our house. I love the breeze that comes over the open field and to our yard. I love watching the baby cows play in the field and the momma cows move VERY slowly. I love catching a glimpse of a family of deer as the sneak around the family of cows in the field. I love sitting out here and just being still. I love that my loyal bird dog just lays here beside me because he wants to be close to me. I love sitting out here and just being still. It has been a good afternoon. The weather is perfect.


Being still is not something I do well. I don't think many of us can say that being still is easy to do. Today was one of those far and few between moments when I was still. I thought about what has been going on in my life in this past year and the changes that God has made in my life and in my heart. I feel like I have had all kinds of changes in my life from a new house to the death of my brother, David. There have been good changes, bad changes, easy changes and hard changes.

In all of this I recognize that God is sovereign and His plan for my life is perfect. Jesus is it, nothing else can be trusted.

Psalm 20:7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Powerful

I am sitting outside enjoying the coolness of the summer evening, I actually have on jeans and a sweatshirt. I love our house and the view we have from the deck. Right now the stars are starting to come out here and there through the clouds and the bugs and frogs have just started the noise war.

This week has tried every emotion that I have and now I am just tired. I am resting and trying to relax a little bit and do something I enjoy before I head off to sleep, checking blogs and listening to music. I am trying to mix up my music selection tonight and came across a great song that reminded me of Whose I am and why that matters.

Might is the Power of the Cross
What can take a dying man And raise him up to life again What can heal the wounded soul What can make us white as snow What can fill the emptiness What can mend our brokenness Brokenness

Mighty Awesome Wonderful Is the Holy Cross Where the Lamb laid down His life To lift us from the fall Mighty is the power of the cross

What restores our faith in God What reveals the Father's love What can lead the wayward home What can melt a heart of stone What can free the guilty ones What can save and overcome

It's a miracle to me And it's still a mystery It's a miracle to me The Power of God for those who believe

WOW...

I am not sure what happened to my love of blogging... I am hoping it comes back becasue I really do enjoy it.

Let's see... where to start... The past few weeks have been full of awesome, God sized things in my life.

1. My friend, Tony, challeneged me to share the Gospel with one person each day. Immediatly I came up with several excuses... evangalisim is not my gift, I don't like talking to strangers, I don't know enough to have a stand with unbelievers, I get nervous, and many others. I was then lovingly reminded about the commandment that Jesus gives at the end of the Gospels. (Matthew 28:16-20, Mark 16:14-20) Immediatley I was convicted and God has been growing me each day. I have to say that this is a slow and steady process of learning to fear God and not man. I have been able to share the gospel with a friend of mine and just bust it to her the way that I have been learing in "The Way of the Master." If you think of it, pray that the Holy Spirit continues to work and soften her heart.

2. I am preparing to go to Matamoros in a few weeks on my first mission trip. If you go to the link you can see that God is at work in Mexico and I am excited to be a part of what God is doing there! Its on my mind all of the time, its consuming my thoughts day and night right now... God is difentaly preparing me for cool stuff there! I am looking forward to seing the Holy Spirit work in a group of people who have little in common except Christ.

3. Work is good, I love my job and the people I work with are a lot of fun! Of course like any job, its not all fun and games. I am preparing to be gone from there for about 3 weeks. I am glad to be getting away for a while, but the paychecks are going to suffer!

4. I have been enjoying the freedom I am feeling in Christ. When I slow down and just think about the past several months of life, I can see how God has changed me. Last week I had a cool week of hanging out with a group of people who are amazing friends. All of us single adults with all kinds of bagage, yet we all love Christ and becasue of that fellowship with them is sweet and fun. I also was able to serve God by helping a lady from church move. Several of us gathered to support our sister in Christ, it was hard work...but again the fun and fellowship was very cool. Those of you who know me won't believe this...It is a new thing for me to be completely comfortable aroud a group of people I hardly know, I am excited to see how God is using this in my life. I am forming friendships with people based on Christ alone.

It seems close to forever that I have thought about blogging daily things that happen to me. I decided last night that it was time to start again. It helps me keep tabs on my life.

Wish you were here...

Its evening and the sun is setting on one side of the sky as a storm rolls in from the other side. A few days ago I noticed a few fire flies in the yard close to the cow pasture and across it close to the tree line. Tonight there are hundreds, if not thousands. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. The pasture is dark and all you can see is that greenish-yellow flash from all of the fire flies. In the distance there is real lightning, which adds to the beauty and awe of the moment.
I think most of us have these moments, words will not do in explaining what we saw and experienced. The moments when I seem so small and God seems so big.The moments you want to share with those you love, and those who need a smile. A moment you wish you could hold in your pocket for days filled with grief and dissatisfaction. Moments that, in our society, seem so far and few between.

As I was watching the fire flies and lightning in the distance, I thought about all the hours I spent as a child (and even an adult!) hunting "lightning bugs." There was a large tree in our backyard and the bugs seemed to gather there in the early summer. My brother, the boys next door, and I became heros in the neighborhood when we would catch 100s of them to give away as "pets." I don't know if anyone else ever had this problem, but ours always died after one or two nights. We would catch these bugs and just grab the first container we could find, put holes in the lid, and throw in a few blades of grass as fast as we could. As children we thought that this imitation of the fire flies' real living environment would do. How foolish to think that a bug created to live outside with fresh grass, trees, and water could live in our cheap imitation.

I am still foolish. I am still guilty of that... I ask Jesus to come and dwell in a heart that is often a cheap imitation of what it was created to be. I ask God to give me "moments" and don't do anything to prepare my heart. I just sit and expect God to act. Do you know what I have learned?.... I have more moments when I have been in the Word. I have more of these moments when I have been worshipping God for who He is. I am more in tune with God sending me these moments when I have been worshiping Him. I desire nothing more than for my heart to be authentic...as God created me to be... In love with Him.

I wish you could be here tonight to see the fire flies and the lightening. I wish you were here so I could tell you of my God, who is BIG enough to know my heart...and yours. I wish you could be here to experience the cool breeze and captivating view. I wish you were here so I could tell you of the healing God offers. I wish you were here so I could see the look on your face as you looked at thousands of bugs in a field. I wish you were here to hear from God tonight, I have.

More from April 7, 2005

Continuing in what I have posted from my trip so far read this first and then this...Now you should be caught up to speed.

As I have said before this post is very similar to what I have written in my personal (therefore maybe not and actual account of what was said, so if you are that interested, visit desiringGOD.org to order conference Cds) journal...so welcome to my stream of consciousness...

Tonight's session was taught by John Piper. (side note: I have a special respect for Piper, and something in me stirs each time I hear his voice. It all started at One Day 2000, organized by Passion 268. Piper was speaking to a LARGE group of college students and the first 5 minutes he was speaking he stated a few things I will never forget. "I am here at One Day in a sense as a father. I am 54 years old. I have four sons and one daughter: Karsten is 27, Benjamin is 24, Abraham is 20, Barnabas is 17. Talitha is four. Few things, if any, fill me with more longing these months and years than the longing that my grown sons not waste their lives on fatal success. So I look out on you as sons and daughters and I plead with you as a father - perhaps the father you never had. Or the father who never had a vision for you like I have for you, and God has for you. Or the father who HAS a vision for you, but its all about money and status. I look out on you as sons and daughters and I plead with you: Want your lives to count for something great analytic for eternity. Want this. Don't coast through life without a passion." These few sentences changed my life. This was the first time I "saw" what a godly dad wants for his children and how a godly dad would respond to his children and desire from their lives. This was the the day that I was able to see God the Father in a new light. This simple set of sentences allowed me to truly see the fatherly love from God that I had been missing. On May 19, 2000 I was given a great gift and with it came a LOVE FOR GOD MY FATHER and a respect for Piper)

Piper's love for God and his passion for His word was so evident tonight through his teaching that I don't think I will forget much of what he said. His topic was "Why theology and doctrine matter." Going into this I was thinking that it wasn't going to impact much at all except for the fact that I respected the teacher. So I waited with an eager mind. What I didn't realize at the time was that these 2 hours were going to be some of the most amazing life-chaning and heart healing hours I have yet to experience.

John Piper explained that theology is statements about God and doctrine is teaching about those statements. No news here, seemed simple enough. His points were simple 1. There is a body of theology and doctrine that should be passed on to children. (Romans 6:17, Acts 20:27, and 2 Timothy 1:13-14.) This was a good start for what was to come.

Piper's point #2 was "It matters to teach theology and doctrine... he brought this thought full circle by asking a series of questions. This is when I started to really think. I felt like nothing else mattered and I need to listen to every breath that I heard, these next 30 minutes or so flew by as I listened and wrote. I am amazed at some things I heard. God used them to teach, to correct and to heal.

• Do you want your children (either biological or in your classes) to come to a deep, unshakeable faith in God that eventually leads to salvation? The Word of God rightly does so... (Romans 10:17, 1 Timothy 4:16, Act 20:26-27, and 2 Thessolonians 2:10 (wondering about this verse? truth=God's Word). I have been a christian for about 8 years now and this is the first time I have come to a knowledge of these verses. Yes, I had read them before now, but this was the first time I "got it" and understood the seriousness of them. I am so excited to be learning why I the things I have felt and thought about God's word for so long were such a big deal to me. It was as if I have part of a puzzle and as God used Piper to teach, I was being handed the missing pieces of my puzzle. My favorite points here are:right teaching of the Gospel puts the Holy Spirit right where he loves to be most-Right behind the preaching of the gospel (John 16:13-15) and right understanding of the gospel saves!

• Do you want you kids to be sanctified in the TRUTH (John 17:17)? Again a resounding YES from my heart! Again for this to be possible we are going to have to teach the whole Counsel of God, not bits and pieces we see fit like a Noah story here and a story about Daniel there. We are going to have to teach the Word of God to our children in a God-centered manner. The truth children will learn from the whole counsel will set them free (John 8:31-32). What a wonderful thought! Children who are taught about God are not bound to legalism as the world believes, but they are set free! I want children in my life now and in the future to have this freedom as they grow so that they don't waste the years as I have done. I want to protect my children and the children in my life from habitual sin caused by a hard heart towards God. I desire nothing more than for them to experience a life of godliness! (2 Peter 1:3-4)

• Do you want kids to abound in live and not just avoid bad behavior? WOW, this hit me like a lead balloon! I am amazed that I have taken this attitude so often when teaching children and disciplining. How many times do we as adults use this as a guilt tactic to get children to be good. What a wrong attitude I have had, I have asked for forgiveness and a repentant heart in this area. I want children to do what is right because they have a heart tuned into God and not the world as I have stated above. I want to be able to live so that my actions glorify God and not the world and I desire that for children as well. God let me be the example you want me to be as I am around children, help me to remember this idea each time I am round them. (Philippians 1:9)

• Do you want children to be happy in God now and forever? YES! Children must know the truth in order to guarantee their happiness now and forever. (John 15:10-11)All of us want nothing more from children than that they are happy. I am not yet a mother, I pray that someday I am, but I know that my mother wants nothing more for me... This is a big deal. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. I have missed this on so many occasions. Why Have I chosen to please people over God? Why have I tried temporal things in place of the eternal when a child happiness now and FOREVER is at stake?

Piper went on and on...in a good way about all of these things.
Some of the last words Piper Spoke tonight were "Jesus is saying to you 'Ask me to do the things I said I can do' Can you ask Him?" Piper also said that God is willing to do the things he said he can do. As I started to cry I realized how wounded my heart truly has been in these past months. I have been on a wild ride through the worst seasons of my life. I have lost hope over and over again. I have lost relationships, status, my pride, my security, my friends, and my baby brother. David died just a few weeks ago and that changed my world. My life will never be the same and these events have changed my view of God instead of my view of God changing my events. I have not believed that God was capable of restoring my heart and forgiving my mistakes and my sins. Just 5 days ago I knew that God had forgotten me, but now I know that I had to go through every single moment of this past year to get me here tonight. Tonight I am asking Jesus to do the things He said He can do.

So the live changing affects from Today are many...

• I have a new understanding for the importance of the Whole Counsel of God


• I understand the seriousness of the Whole Counsel of God


• I am excited to know where to find all of the scripture I knew existed, but could never find just because I only knew of it in theory. Now I KNOW it.


• I have left with the rest of the pieces to my puzzle of what I have always thought and felt about God and all of His Word.


• God's Word is more important to me now.


• I have been wounded by the Word.


• I have been healed by the Word.


• I have accepted my wounds of men as that and have allowed God to use Truth to heal. I understand that I am not responsible for what was done to me and what happened to me as a result of other people's actions.


• I realize the importance of God-cenetered lessons for children AND ADULTS!.


• I feel released of so much pain from the past year of my life. I feel as if Jesus has just been sitting here, arms open, waiting for me to ask Him to do the things He said He could do.


• I am sad for moments past that I missed the call of God to live according to the Whole Counsel. I am sad for situations that were/are out of my control that cold have been used as opportunities for God's Word.


• I am so happy to know that God Word matters in my life.


• I am sad to know that on many occasions I chose to obey men instead of Christ.


• I am happy and excited to see the change in my heart from 5 days ago!


• I am on fire with the knowledge of Why Theology and Doctrine Matter, it comes down to this...Right understanding of the Whole Counsel of God leads to salvation!

Updating Again

More thoughts from my journal April 7, 2005... These appear almost exactly as they appear in my journal in order for the world to see that work God has done... take a look here if you missed the first entry from this trip.

Today we did a lot of sitting and listening to several speakers. I have been amazed at several points today. I am "getting" things like I never have before and they are striking hard at my heart. While listening to the speakers, I am overwhelmed by my own unbelief in God and frustration with what He has done in my life.

For a hour or so the topics was God centered vs. man centered Bible teaching. I have always thought that the Bible teaching I have done and have been a student of was God centered until this session. We (people) all too often make the BIble about the characters and leave out the main character GOD. The speakers used the story of Baby Moses, his mother, Miriam, and pharoh's daughter to make the point clear. It was an awesome illustration of how we have left God completely out of this story, God was there. He protected Moses until God told the mother to put Moses in a basket. And then God protected the baby as he floated down the river, while He sent Miriam to watch. God sent Pharoh's daughter to the river in perfect timing and God made her love that baby. I could go on...but I hope you see the sovereignty of God here. This was a huge "ahhh" moment for me. I sat there and listened in awe as the speaker went through 2-3 more stories just like this. Before I knew it I was crying and this was the first time that I realized my current unbelief in God's perfect plan and His power.

This was an awesome, yet hard thing to realize. I spent several minutes just praying and begging God to restore my belief in His power. This time feel like I have understood this truth on a whole new level. I pray that it is true, for this is a lesson that comes with great pain and confusion.

On Thursday afternoon we walked to a local coffee shop and drank our coffee in a nearby park. It was awesome, the weather was perfect and the company was fun as well. AFter we had been at the park for a few minutes one of the guys that was with us, Tony, started a conversation with 2 elderly men in the park. It was cool praying for to watch, I am still praying for God to give me the courage to strike up a conversation with someone about God, all by myself. That afternoon He gave me the chance to talk to some ladies in the park with a friend. In this community there is a large Somilian population and we were curios, so off we went to talk to some of the ladies and there children. After talking to one lady who knew very little English and another young mom who didn't know either, we had a wonderful, God ordained conversation with two ladies. One of them was a young mom with a BEAUTIFUL 3 week old baby boy and the other was her aunt. Both of the ladies have come to the United States for refuge from the Civil War in their country. Listening to them talk about the violence and poverty their was hard and it made me very sad, yet thankful that they were here in America. The older lady told us that she moved here after her sister was raped by 20 men and shot to death in front of their mother. SHe was very sad when she sharded this with us, I asked how we could pray and started to walk away. God told me to stop, go back and pray with them right then. So I did and I am so glad that I did. She was very grateful and emotional. I am still praying for those ladies and the baby boy. I pray that our time in the park will be the a seed of Jesus' name in their lives.

I left knowing that I had done exactly what God had planned for that afternoon. I have never been so blessed in my life.

I'll write more later...

Not the gifts

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. I am stuck. I cannot get away from this verse. Even in the midst of not feeling happy and continent, I can have joy. Joy that comes from my strength, the Lord. Not things I am good at, my personality, my “ I can do it” attitude, not people, not ministry, not feeling and emotions, but from God.

I want to be in a place in my life were I am joyful in the Lord and not things and people. It is so hard to live this way. Will I ever arrive at the place where my old self doesn’t take over?

I don’t think of myself as materialistic, but there is so much in life that I want. Most of the things I want are not material things. I want my mom to have a personal relationship with Christ. I want to be a godly wife to a godly husband that I am head-over-heals in live with. I want to have children. I want to be happy. I want to be a good friend and I want friends I can trust, who will encourage me in my life with Christ, not hinder it and vice versa. I want love to be real in my life. I want Christ to be real in my life. All of these things are good things. I trust that God is planning my life and will give me things I need, just when I need them; not to soon and not to late. I also know that God desires me to love Him above all else. I need to worship Him, the gift giver, not the gifts. I don’t want to be the person who mistakes the Person for the things He does, because I know that God NEVER mistakes who I am for what I do… and that is GRACE!

Waiting

Why is it that our society has become so impatient? We are a very fasted paced people. We want our computer to work in milliseconds. We want to drive through a fast food restaurant and want lunch in 3 minutes. We carry cells phone so we can speak to each other RIGHT NOW! I think all of these things have taught us a terrible lesson about God. God rarely acts NOW.

There are a lot a verses about waiting on the Lord. Here are a few...
Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD , you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD ; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD .
Isaiah 30:18 Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
Lamentations 3:24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Did you see those? My favorite is the Isaiah verse... Blessed are all who wait for Him.

We have become so impatient. We don't want to wait for anything... and most of the time we don't have to wait for much. We have a microwave to cook faster. We have drive through banks and restaurants and mechanics. There are even people who promise that you can get rich NOW. And sadly, there are people that promise that God will work NOW. Our society demands it, so someone has provided it.

Here is what I have learned...
God is never fast. He doesn't offer immediate gratification that I (we) desire. Yes, I have seen God work, but never fast! I believe that God uses our waiting period to grow our souls. How much trouble would I be in if God had answered all my prayers when I prayed them? (Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Bad news!) Waiting for God makes us more dependent on Him. I think is makes me remember to continually go to Him with my desire. God wants to give me things, in HIS time not mine. God is in the business of gift giving because of who He is and whose I am. I am His! I don't receive anything because of who I am our what I have done, but because of God's love. I know that no matter how tired I get of waiting, God never gets tired of waiting on me. He is probably waiting for my heart to get to the right place before He gives me the gift. I love giving gifts so I can not imagine having to wait to give a gift, but God's timing is NEVER wrong.

I have also been thinking about this...
There have been things that I have wanted more than anything when I asked God for it. I waited and waited, but God never gave me what I wanted and eventually the desire to have "it" went away. God knew! I have also wondered if I want things sometimes for no other reason than God wants to give it to me. There have been some strange desires of my heart that seem to come from no where. I think that God gives me (us) those desires because it is something HE has been busy planning. Eventually when He does give our desires to us we are thankful and excited and we give Him the glory. (Which is what it is all about anyway, right?)

So...
Waiting is very hard. Something that never gets easier or more fun. Most of the time God is slow. I may not be ready to receive what I have requested. Maybe all God is waiting in is my relationship with Him to grow, for my faith to deepen and my trust to become stronger. God may be using the "waiting period" to grow our souls.

All the matters...

Today was the first Sunday in 8 weeks that I got to be in worship and hear the sermon. For the past two months I have either been sick (3 weeks) or teaching during church. I love teaching and playing with all of the kids, it just takes its toll when I have to miss corporate worship and fellowship. The only thing that has sustained me in these past weeks is my personal worship and study of God's word. Reading has become more important to me recently. My mind has been stretched and challenged. My heart has been hurt and healed. It has been unbelievable.

I gave a friend of mine John pipers book Pierced by the Word for Christmas. He has been reading and commenting on each chapter in his blog. It has been reminding me of the great things I learned while reading it earlier this fall and has challenged me to look at it again.

Today I read 'Be Not Mere Shadows and Echoes.' It speaks to my heart about how I should be living this life! He is the only given in the universe and we are derivative. We cannot exists without Him. Here is a hard one for me to understand-He made me (us) to enjoy and display HIS glory-so that I will have a life that lasts forever in His presence. It was a reminder that I am to glorify God in all I do. When I look back on other entries I see that I mention that a lot. Its because I need to be reminded day in and day out and when I remember it gets me thinking.

"So whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31
This is why I am here, this is why I was born, and this is why God spared my of cancer...Twice. I am here to make much of God. Piper calls it "to image-forth His excellence. Not to fulfill this purpose for human existence is to be a mere shadow of the substance we were created to have. Not to display God's worth by enjoying Him above all things I do, is to be a mere echo of the music we were created to make." How sad to live a life being a mere shadow and echo of what God created me to be. Living a life that will glorify God will be wonderful. My life will be worth something, there will be legacy, and an impact will be made of Christ's kingdom. "And what you leave behind will not be a mere shadow or echo, but a tribute on earth, written in heaven, to the triumphant grace of God."

So-How do I go about glorifying God? How do I glorify God even when my dog wakes me up at the crack of dawn, when scheduled teachers don't show up on Sunday morning, when people hurt my feelings, when I am sick, when loved ones die, when life is hard? How do I glorify God when life is good? How about when I get what I want and all seems well...will I remember to glorify God? The only way I can be sure to glorify God is all I do is stay close to Him... and that is all that matters.

Spencer Weedman

On our last staff retreat (November 2003) I had "moment" with God that I will never forget. I wrote a lot about it in my journal and have been sharing it with people since. God had a good purpose in allowing me to go down the path I did when I did. It was after this retreat that I had a scare that my cancer was back. This is my journal entry...

November 10, 2003
I am sitting here on the pier at the end of the Breakers complex, near the main channel of the Lake of the Ozarks. I am sitting on the edge of the retaining wall with my Bible and journal in my lap and my feet dangling off the edge. Its cold and windy, so I have on my huge coat and gloves... all I can hear is wind, waves, and my own breathing and sometimes the water is so loud that I can't even hear that! I am so close to the water that as I look down to write, I see the movement of the water and get that funny feeling that I am moving.

There is a concrete bench behind me that has a plaque on it, "In memory of Spencer Weedman." Being a little angry with God and life today, I threw down my stuff on the bench and said out loud, "Thank you Mr. Spencer Weedman, whoever you are." Then I began wondering who he was. Was he young or old? Did he die recently or was this just the first time I noticed the bench? How did he die? What kind of person was he? Was he a husband or a dad? What did he do for work, for fun? Who were his friends, his family? Who did he love? What did he love? Who loved him? Who loved him so much that they would have a bench here in his memory?

God this gets me thinking about legacy. What am I doing that will impact eternity? How will people remember me? Will they know that I loved Jesus? Will they know that I loved my family and friends? Did I lead them to Christ? Did I do all I could to Glorify God with all of who I was? Or will some stranger stumble upon a bench with my name on it? Will that be my legacy?

My greatest desire in life is to leave a legacy more than a bench. I want people to know that I loved Jesus. I want them to know that Jesus was the most important thing to me, always. I want my loved ones to know that I valued them and loved them so much that I wanted them to know the love of Jesus. I want them to know that I have been on my knees for their hearts as long as I have known Jesus. I want my friends and family to have seen Jesus in me.

This means I have a lot of work to do! God please help me remember this day. Please help me to see the urgency in life and act upon it. Thank you God for this lesson... and thank you Spencer Weedman. Your legacy lives on in this life.

Now...
When I wrote this I had faced cancer once. I had spent months fighting for my life and looking death in the face. Now, after another biopsy and set of scans for a relapse... I have faced it again. No matter how long I live, 26 years or 106 years... My life is short. The time is now. Today is the day to leave a legacy, not tomorrow, for tomorrow may never come.

The Shower

I keep mentioning how much "stuff" is going on in my heart and mind. The last week and a half or so have been tough. Thoughts of life coming and going through my head at speeds so fast that it has been hard to comprehend, yet alone share them.

I have been begging God for weeks to show me some things, and today in the shower, God came through! I know that sounds funny, but the shower is one of the greatest places to hear from God. I am alone, I can't hear the phone, there is no music or TV, and most of the time the dog stays clear of running water. (Not lakes, they act as a Jackson magnet, but when soap is involved he usually goes the other way!)

God spoke 2 big things today...
1. God spoke to me the perfection of HIS plan. Even if I think I have strayed from God's plan, He knows and ultimately it was His plan anyway. Ouch, it hurts to think about that one. He also reminded me of his protection. Psalms is full of verses about His protection. The verse I memorized for today is Psalm 3:3 "But you are a shield around me , O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." God used this verse to remind me that I don't need to protect myself, He will provide protection.

2. I know that vague statements have a way of taking over my blog, but some things are left better unsaid here. All I can say to sum up my time in the shower is tha God is at work in my life in major things. He is breaking me and healing me all in one action. He is calling me to a life that will not be wasted on "stuff and business." He wants more... the question is do I want more?

Each day I am reminded of God's grace and love for me. It doesn't seem possible. Another thing that gets me EVERY time is the thought about God's knowledge of earth and people. He knows every grain of sand on every beach and at the bottom of every ocean, river, lake, and stream. He knows all of the starts in the sky and he knows and cares for every sparrow. Still I am worth more than all of those things. He knows the very number of hairs on my head. AND he knows that about everyone! My small brain just doesn't get it.

I love the fact that God uses the hard times to teach me and remind me of so much. These last few weeks haven't been much fun, but I am amazed at the things God is showing me. Today has been a "light" things are starting to make sense.

Mary...

I was reading Moments with the Savior by Ken Gire at the airport yesterday. It has to be my all time favorite book, besides the Bible. Ken Gire has a way of making scripture come alive! He uses such great descriptions that I can see, hear, smell, and feel the stories.

I decided to read about the Birth of Christ and couldn't get away from Gabriel's visit to Mary. This heavenly host came to a humble, young Jewish virgin with the message that would change the world. Mary never doubts Gabriel's words, she just wants to know how, after all she was a virgin. After further explanation, Mary says "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

As the words came from her mouth Mary opened herself to great risk. Who would believe her? Joseph? Her mother? The ladies at the well? Maybe no one would believe. But that didn't keep Mary from believing. Her faith was courageous. She would submit to God. Regardless of the questions it would raise. Regardless of the cost. Or the consequences. Regardless if it meant losing her reputation. Or the man she loved. Even her very life. Maybe it was this "regardless" quality that made her most suited to the task of raising such a wonderful promise, our Savior.

I cannot imagine what my life would look like if I obeyed in such ways. Not doubting, just saying "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said."

Growing Up?

I have no idea how it got to be Friday. Oh, yes I do! I have been Grandma sitting all week. My grandma is in town from Chicago and she requires a lot of attention. We have spent 2 hours and 40 minutes at Wal-Mart, in ONE trip and 2 hrs at the grocery store in one trip. I really want to do good things for her and be kind. I am trying really hard not to get frustrated with her, and sometimes that is hard. Grandma is mentally ill (I am not kidding.) so at any moment she can "snap." It happened at the grocery store, not much fun. She is going to be here for a few more weeks, so I am praying for God to calm her and add to my patience.

I have realized it is time to "grow up." I am almost 25 and I am done doing what everyone else wants me to do all of the time. I am at the point now where I feel like even my relationship with God is being dictated by people around me. I know this is not what God wants or what I want. When I start talking to people it is going to be hard and very uncomfortable. All of these people are older and "more mature Christians" (whatever that means, to me it makes me think that they are better than me) Now I just need the courage to act. The Bible says that Iron sharpened iron, but I am sure that doesn't happen without sparks. I am looking at this whole situation as refining and defining moments of my life. I am scared and need courage. Even in the middle of fear and I can't wait to see what eternal and amazing things God is going to do.