Looking back...

My journaling and thoughts from this past week. I am putting them here almost exactly how they appear in my journal. I believe that this will allow others to see the great work that God has done in my heart through this past week. In case you haven't read yet, please read April 2nds entry.

Wednesday April 6, 2005
We left today at about 930am. For me its already been a long trip. I didn't sleep well the last few nights, I have been awake thinking and feeling anxious about this trip. Should I really be going? Is this going to be fun? I am going to be able to handle the constant communication and being around 11 other people that I don't know for the next 4 days? Is it going to make my relationship with God feel stronger or weaker? The doubts went on and on. My emotions are all over the place. I want to go and I want to stay home. I am excited and scared to death at the same exact time. If I stay home I know exactly what is in store for me, a few days off, and some extra sleep. I knew if I cam I would have no idea what would happen.
I almost didn't come. I almost stayed at home were I was comfortable. About 20 minutes before I was getaways picked up, I almost called to say that I was staying home. Now, even though I am over stimulated at the moment, I have been having a good time getting to know a few people and laughing at all kinds of fun stuff. I have taken advantage of my headphones a few times, just to "get away." I think I actually slept for about an hour after we stopped for lunch today.
So far this trip has been fun and silly. I been able to avoid any serious talks with others in the van, even thought there have been a few. I just don't know this people and I cannot go there right now. Right now I don' know if I can share the greatness of my sadness, fear and unhappiness.
I pray God that you will allow this conference to be a marker on my road to healing. God restore my love and trust for you first. Help me to hear something, think something, read something that will change this attitude and heart of mine and make my love for you grow. Help me to be honest about my heart and open to share when and if You will. God I am scared of where I am and my relationship with you. We met a pizza delivery man tonight, Jamie. He knows it all about you as head knowledge, some which is a little off base. It scared me God because I feel like this is were I am right now. Jamie is so close, yet so far away-and this is how I feel. Help me God to not be the next Jamie of Your world. I need your sovereign hand on me now to change the path I am on. God please help me to fall madly in love with You, Your Word, and Your people. I want to think about you in all things at all times. I want to know and feel that You are trustworthy and good. God I want to have faith and peace that Your plans are good. My love for you tonight is not as it should be...heal my wounds, hold my broken life in You hands. You know I am sad angry and confused, but God I know you are able. Help me...