Christmas Dinner

My brother Matt and his girlfriend, Ashley, had us over the day after Christmas for dinner. I spent the night after spending Christmas day with my dad. Matt and I stayed up way to late playing Dr Mario and reliving our childhood rivalry! It was fun. All in all it was a good time. It was kind of a nice to visit with my aunt and uncle with out a lot of "stressful" conversations like we have had in the last year.

Matt and Ashley prepared a wonderful meal of Steak and Lobster and all of the fixings! Here is a picture I snapped as the lobsters came out of the boiling water. I think it may be one of my new favorite pictures, notice the steam.

Just Kidding!

OK, so I was kidding in my last blog post that it wouldn't be a month. Oh well, life happens and I have been a busy person.

A quick update:

I finally got my ACT scores! I got a 26! I needed a 20 to be accepted to the program, now I just need to get a 90% or higher on the dosage calculation test. That test will not be until February 23rd. I have plenty of time to study! I am doing well so far, and the is math that actually makes sense to me.

My mom got a new job!It is such a blessing! She will is working as a clinical nurse educator at St Luke's Hospital. This is a great job for her as it allows her to use her 30+ years of experience in the nursing field to teach other nurses. It is much better than a staff nurse job for her. And they will be paying her what a nurse with her experience is worth.

My grandma is here from Chicago. She has been here since Thanksgiving and see will be here until just before Christmas. She has really gotten a lot worse mentally since her last visit. She can't remember much and has a hard time having a conversation. Some of this could be related to her hearing problem but she refuses to get hearing aides. She also has a cataract that is limiting her vision. She sleeps most of the time, we are not sure what this is about. We think it is because her medication is not regulated. She has been mental ill, for about her whole life and sleeping is a way the she copes when her medications are not working. Of course she told the doctor that she cannot sleep at night (she sleeps all day, does it surprise anyone that she can't sleep at night too?) and he prescribed a sleeping pill. That just makes it worse. It has been pretty easy having her here, she just has to have the TV on constantly- on QVC of all things!

I am doing well. Preparing to go back to school is both exciting ad scary at the same time. I will be taking Chemistry and Anatomy and Physiology I in the spring and Microbiology and A & P II in the summer. It will sure be busy, but God is good and I am ready for what he has for me in all of this!

Happy Birthday Xander!

Today we welcomed another precious child into our world. Xander was born at 10 am. He weighs 7 lbs 11 oz, the same as his mama and his big sister! He is 20 inches long. He is perfect!

Please pray for quick recovery for Brandi after her C-section today and a good night's rest for all.

Here are the first pictures I have. More to come soon!

Brighton talking with the nurse about when Xander would be getting his first bath. She was very excited to talk to the nurse about her baby brother. She is so grown up!

Through the glass.

Sleeping away while being passed around to his family in waiting!

Look at this hair, not as much as Brighton had, but its very dark.

Little feet!

More sleeping!

Look, that's me and Xander!


Ana is a BIG sister! She just kept saying "baby, baby, baby" she also said " I love baby!" I wasn't around for Brighton's first look at Xander, but I am sure she looked just as proud! I will post some of those when I get them.


Stretching out after nine months of confined space.

Saturday!

Tommy came in to St Louis today while Dad and Kathy went to Busch Stadium. I guess the Cardinals LOST.

Oh well...

We had a great day!

I mean really... What trip to the pool is a bad day, even if you do leave with a skinned toes and Doritos all over the place!

A fast recap

The past many weeks have been a crazy whirlwind.

These are the things I have done or experienced since I posted a real post... Ok lets go with things since Christmas. I will try at least.

1. I survived (along with my mom) our first holiday season without David.

2. Turned 27, AHHHHH.

3. My best friends got a baby, Kiana, back into their home for adoption!
4. Found out that Brandi and Tom are not only adopting, but they are having a baby too! Baby is due in October!

5. I have had million viruses in my body. I have been sick at least 3 times since Christmas, currently fighting ANOTHER cold!

6. Made it through Dec-March. This was the time of year David was so sick last year. We spent almost all of January in the hospital last year. It was difficult to make it through these few months.

7. Experienced a bad depression that has lasted the better part of the winter. I am starting to feel good most days now!

8. I am currently teaching the 3-5 year olds at church. This is both fun and extremely tiring. I love seeing them "get it" and learn about how BIG our GOD is. This week was great- I asked why God healed the Israelites after they were being punished for the disobedience of Moses and one of them shouted EXACTLY what I was looking for, "Because God is loving and forgiving." YEAH EVAN! Moments like that make me see how important of a calling form God this is.

9. I just started working full time at my job that I have had for a year. Its great! I love working there and switching to full time has not been a huge change in hours. The benefits are amazing!

10. We (my mom and I) are currently having some financial issues that are not good. We are trying to decided if we need to move or stay here. Right now as of this post, looks like all votes are in for staying here. I hope we don't have to move, it would save a lot of work and even more money.

11. My baby brother, Tommy, turned 6 this year. He came and stayed the weekend with me and we had a blast. We went swimming at my work, played with Jackson, and went to church. I cannot wait until he comes again soon!

12. Brighton also turned six. She had a puppy party and it was so cute and VERY creative.


13. I have been struggling with reading the Word for many months. I have been trying to read something every few days, I am getting better now. I miss good time in the Word. I am also going to get back to memorizing our verses each week. Hiding God's word is so important to me, I am not sure what happened.

14. The stress level in our home is at the absolute max that it has been in a LONG time. I just pray that this season passes quickly.

15. I played in the snow with my dog!


16. My dad is in the hospital today, he is having heart problems, a heart attack. He is having a cardiac cath in the morning. I will be traveling to the University in Columbia in the morning.

16. I wrote my first real blog post in a LONG LONG time.

Good night!s

Getting back to the true meaning of this blog...

Soon.... Very soon I will be taking the time to get back to writing and reflecting on my life and happenings again. Its been interesting to go back and read entries here and there and I am sad that I have let time go by without posting.

My goal is tomorrow afternoon... Until then I bring you another reason to blog. Pure humor.

This is Drew, she is about 19 months old and VERY busy. She has a little brother that is about 5 months old, so mama is a busy lady.

And this is Rush, still sweet and innocent!

Quality time with my girl

I got to spend sometime with Brighton tonight after Kiana went to sleep. I love her and the time I spent her. This is what we created, its her mommy on the beach.

My Birthday

This is my birthday post! Last year I spent my birthday in the hospital with David. Not so much fun. This year was much better. I had to get some bloodwork today, that was a bummer! Oh well.

So really why I am posting... I want to tell you what I got for my birthday...

I got to spend some time with my friends, which was awesome! But speaking of my friends-

KIANA IS BACK!

I am so happy for the Browns... I know this is something that they have wanted since this precious child came into our lives in October. I could not have asked for anything greater on my birthday.

Are you serious?

I remember this day very well. We are at Union Station in St Louis with my dad. He took Matt and me Christmas shopping and we had thi spicture made with Santa. I am sure that my hair still has this kind of potential...

Not So Scary

Santa got less scary as I got older.

Scary in 79?

I guess Santa was a scray in 1979.

Chad and Rush

The proud daddy with his baby boy! Looks like Drew was wondering around
in the background. Drew is adjusting well to her new baby brother. The
first thing she wants when she wakes up in the morning or after a nap
it Rush. We will see how long that lasts!

Welcome Rush Erikson

Welcome Rush Erickson to the world. He was born on September 25th. My
step-sister, Jenn, and Baby Rush are doing great. Word on the street
says that he is a good baby, hardly cries, and looks a liitle more like
his mommy than the first baby.

Sunday Afternoon

Today was a weird Sunday for me. I am usually at church from 8:30 is am until second service is over and tear down has almost ended. On most Sundays we make it to our favorite restaurant, El Vaquero, just a little before 1pm.

Today I went to church at about 8:30 and left before 10am. I left early today to head home for my dad, my step mom, and little brother to pick me up for a Cardinals' Baseball Game. Today was a great day for baseball, at least from where we were. It was hot in the sun, but we had seats in the "air conditioning," which really means that we were in the shade. There was a light breeze, it was nice. The game started off slow, the Braves hit a home run in the first inning and then about the third inning. Slow game. In the 9th inning the Cards were down 3-1. The loaded up the bases with no outs and David Eckstein hit a 414 ft home run. It was an awesome way to end the game and probably my memories at the Old Busch Stadium. Today was Kids Run the Bases Day, so we all got to walk onto the field and Tommy ran the bases.

Because my dad has always been a Cardinals Fan and has grown up at Busch stadium, it was an emotional afternoon for him. This was his first time out on the field and one of his last times at the Old Busch Stadium. After Tommy ran the bases, they were playing a Jack Buck memorial video. It was very cool. I have never realized how many memories revolved around that man. What a cool legacy he has left for Cardinal fans across the globe.

This is the last season for the stadium. (The new one is coming along nicely!) Today was one of those days that made me think about all of the events I have been to at Busch.
1. Tons of ball games. The first one I remember, I was about 6 or 7 maybe, and after the game my dad took me to Steak and Shake for the first time too! I went to a games for good grades in middle school and with free tickets from the "Straight A" program. I went to one game with my friend, Mandy, when we were in 8th grade and all we did was walk around the stadium for 3 hours. I went to an end of the season game with my dad and Tommy in September 2000. Tommy was about 6 months old and I had to have him zipped up in my jacket to keep us both warm. That is a cool memory. One of my favorite games was last year when Brandi and I went to a Braves/Cardinals game. I am not really a big fan of baseball, but I love going to the games, its like a 3-4 hour break from reality. Today will definitely go in my memory forever.

2. A few circuses- My mom took Matt and me to a circus when we were about 6 and 10. After the circus we got to ride and Elephant and then after that we went to Ted Drews for the first time.

3. Marching Band Competitions-I think I participated in at least 2 while in high school. We marched on the field and our school did well.

It is strange that I have so many memories from a place, but it is fun remembering.

The Graduating Class of 2005

At the risk of sounding old.... I cannot believe how fast children grow up. It seems like yesterday when I got out of classes early to drive to Jeff City to be at the hospital when Tommy was born. It was one of the coolest days ever.

Kathy (my step-mom) had been in also all day and was feeling very exhausted when I arrived around 4 in the afternoon. In fact everyone there was tired. After several hours of no progression, my dad and I decided that is was safe to go and have dinner close to the hospital. About the time our food came, so did a phone call. It was the hospital calling to tell Dad that Kathy was on her way to the OR to have C-section, they had lost fetal heart tones. I remember being so scared and sad. My dad rushed back and the rest of us followed a few minutes behind. Tommy was born in just a few minutes.

After Tommy was born, Jennifer (step-sister) and I were they only who got to be in the room with him. They only allowed siblings in there! It was great! The two of us got to spend a few hours, just us, as they finished with my step mom in the OR, dad stayed with her because she wasn't doing so well and dad trusted that Tommy was in good hands. We never got to hold him, but just being there and watching the nurses clean him and give him care was an experience I will never forget. I loved those 2 hours!

A few days after Tommy and Kathy came home from the hospital, Grandama and I went and stayed for about a week. We helped with house cleaning and laundry, but the best was getting to help with a new baby! He was so sick because he didn't know how to swallow and suck correctly, but Kathy was amazingly patient and let us help as we could. It seems like last week when I think about it, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago. Many things have happened since then....He learned how to eat well! He learned how to smile and say "sissy." He learned how to run and how to play ninetendo with Matt. And Tommy has even learned how to rock climb.

Tommy, graduated from preschool last week. He learned how to read and write this year! His oldest sister is STILL waiting for her first letter in the mail. He loves school and is looking forward to an exciting career as a kindergardener!


I this picture, he looks JUST like Matt, our brother!





Note the ring! Its an official class of 2005 ring!

Tommy, Dad, and Kathy recently visited Elephant Rock State Park and this is one the picture of him climbing rocks!

Tommy's First Fish

My littlest brother and his first fish! Poor kid looks miserable with his allergies, it must be in our genes!

Amazed...

I have returned from the conference I attended in Minneapolis. I have a lot to write about...God did an AMAZING, GOD-SIZED work in my heart in this past 5 days.

I am very tired today. I have several hours on Monday that I will be spending at my computer writing...journaling, blogging and getting some notes typed up to share. For now, I will leave you with this...

As I evaluate my life today I recognize that I have been on a life altering trip. I know that Thursday April 7th and Friday April 8th are days that I will never forget. These are the days that God chose to get my attention. To remind me of His sovereign grace, his love, and his ability to restore and to heal. God is in the healing business and for that I am grateful. The only hope I have in my suffering is to know that God is here-holding me and loving me. I stand amazed...

Long and Honest as it gets

Caution: Don't read this if you can't deal with raw emotion!

I am very angry right now. I am sad and my feelings are hurt. I just want to be happy and feel loved.

Since David's funeral has been over and all of our family has been gone, my mom has been impossible to live with. I know that the death of her son is a big deal and that she is grieving and adjusting to a new way of life. I understand that everyone has a different way to grieve and I am trying to be understand the way that she needs to grieve. My family has never been one that expresses emotions at all, and this has been no different. When we were younger my mom and dad never encouraged us to express emotions or let us cry. We were sent to our rooms or spanked more for crying. In my opinion, this one of the worse dysfunctions of a family. How can you do life with out expressing and acknowledging feelings? Well, I am sure that we are not the only ones.

So here are the events that lead us to why I am feeling like I am tonight...

1. I have spent the last 7 months on an emotional roller coaster. I resigned from a ministry position and left that church in September. The thoughts and emotions that come along with this are numerous. I have felt great sadness for the friendships lost, for the sins committed, and for the lack of intimacy with Christ. I have felt rejection and disappointment. I have felt like a failure and a quitter. I have felt beat up by people and myself. I have been angry. I have felt relieved. I have been anxious and scared. I could go on and on and on... My family (none of them are Believers) doesn't understand this. They have no idea what it is to have a relationship with Christ or with a church body. The don't understand how God' calling works and what it is like to know. So as you can expect, they have no idea of the strong feelings that I have been going through and therefore I don't really feel like they care. I also haven't been able to or wanted to share much of that with anyone else either. I have a few awesome friends who know as much as I have been able to tell them, but because of my family and the hurt I have felt in the past with friends I don't feel like I can be as honest as I would like to.

2. Home has been so crazy. We moved to a new house in September (my mom, David and I). I did most, if not all of the packing, cleaning and preparing the old house to move out. I also did 98% of the unpacking at our new house. My mom was working 2 jobs and much of David's care became my responsibility. I did all of the house cleaning, laundry, cooking, cleaning, phone calls, and caring for David (when we didn't have a nurse here). My mom was either gone form home or sleeping. On December 26 David was hospitalized for the first time in 3 years. After that he spent the month of January in the hospital. He was very sick. I spent every waking moment and many asleep moments at the hospital taking care of him. My mom and I didn't leave him there alone very much, just a hour or two now and then. She was still working 2 jobs and gone all of the time. In the middle of January she was fired from her job at the hospital because she had missed and afternoon of work and called in sick 2 times because of David's illnesses. Anyway, his hospitalizations were some of the most stressful weeks I have ever had in my life. One day specifically stands out as hell. I was the main care giver and my mom remained busy and emotional detached.

I have a few things around the house that make me crazy. OK, its more than a few, but let's focus on the the kitchen. Stuff all over the table and counters makes me so anxious. My mom could care less and always piles things in both places. We have created an office for her in David's room, but she still leaves her work stuff all over the kitchen. I am at the point now where I don't want to even help keep it clean. Laundry had been the catalysis for about 3 arguments this week. I won't even go into the details, but this is what finally put my over the edge.

Tonight I asked her not to put my clothes in the dryer, because I am going to put them in the dryer in the morning when I can get them out and fold them, thus preventing wrinkles in my work pants. She yelled at me to "Get off of her" Now I understand that this has been an issue all week, but I asked very calmly and respectfully as I went to get ready for bed.
She continued to yell at me and belittle the things I have done in the past week at the house.

3. My mom has continually hurt me with her words and lack of words for several months now. I don't think she has once said thank you for all of the things I have given up for our family. She never since said thank you for the hours and hours that I spent with David at the hospital so that he wouldn't be alone. I spent night after night awake and caring for David, while she slept. I still did all of the stuff around the house, while she came home and undid in 5 minutes what took me hours. Now, I never did those things for praise, but a little acknowledgement would kill her, but the lack of it is killing me. My mom has never said thank you or told me that I was doing a good job. In fact quite the opposite...

My mom has spent months making comments about me being a quitter, and that I "got fired by God". She talks about how I never had a "real job" or that I don't know what real work is. She has continually called me a college drop out and made other hurtful comments about me not finishing school. She rarely tells me that I have done a good job or that she is proud of anything I have done. I have just started a new job that I love and that I am good at. All she can say about it is that it is not a real job and that I only like it because it is new and that is how I am. She makes fun of me because I come home tired after 6 or 7 hours. In general everything she says hurts my feelings. Again I could go on...

4. My brother has died. I miss him. Everyone I talk to always asks me how my mom is and that's all, don't they understand that I lost a sibling..one of the closest bonds that there is? He has always been around and now he is just gone. In a matter of 2 hours, he is not coming home from the hospital ever again. Its over.

5. All of these things have me in a place of loneliness and doubt. Who really cares about me except me? I think that everyone needs to feel love, appreciated, and cared for. Who is that for me? When will I feel good again and not so tired? How have all of these thing happened to me? Who will read this and will anyone care?

All of these things have led me to tonight. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I have been for a long time. I feel like a trainwreck, an emotional disaster, a lost cause. I will even go as far to share that I feel like God has forgotten me.

Pictures of Yesterday

I finally got all of my pictures transferred over to my new computer. Took me awhile to sit down and finally get them from the old broken laptop, to the new not broken one. I used a lot of pictures of David at his funeral so that people would remember who he was, not what he had become.

These are two of my favorite for several reasons. He is "normal" here, this was before his brain injury that occurred at 8 months old from complications during a "routine" heart surgery. I don't remember David like this, I was only 2.5 years old when this was taken. He looks so innocent here, just like a baby should. It was these photos that made me realize the tragedy of his life and the grace of his death. These are my favorites, yet they are difficult to take in...These are a photos of what was, what could have been...

I miss David. I have been so busy these last few weeks that I have forgotten how much I do miss him and how much my life has changed already. Its amazing. For so long my life has centered around Daivd's needs, his care, and being a sibling of a child with such a tragic life. That is all over now and its like I must being a new life. It is a hard thing to do, move on without him, yet have the burden of his care lifted from me. I find myself confused, sad and at a loss for words so often. It brings me to the end of myself...

I must remember to run to Christ, the One who waits with open arms...

I have realized today that my blogging has taken a long "vacation." I used to love writing, journaling, and posting most of it in my blog. I know why now.

Since David died, my life has been crazy and out of controllable. I have been sad and feeling bit of control of how I react and respond to life. It has been hard enough to have to deal with this during the day that the last thing I have wanted to do is write about it and post if for the world to read But I am reminder to night that the healthy thing to do with grief, sadness, and other emotions, is to deal with them face on. I am ready, it is time.

The first thing I am going to do is schedule an appointment with a lady in the St Louis Area who has done tons of research on sibling loss and had started a web site for surviving siblings. After sending her a quick email to thank her for the good info on her web site, she invited me to come and share my experiences with her. Even though this is far beyond my small comfort zone, I am looking forward to this time.