Let the Healing Begin

I think was the best advice that I have heard in several weeks. Sounds so trite, but the meaning behind the words in what I am choosing to focus on. I think that now, after I have done what God has called me to do, I can FINALLY start the process of healing. It has been a long and painful road. I have not arrived, I have only begun.

This week has sucked. I am still very tired from David being sick and trying to play catch up around the house with laundry, dishes, Christmas decorations, and general cleaning. I feel like I was beat up emotionally and spiritually for a good two hours plus on Wednesday of this weak and that hurt. In the days since I feel like I am forcing myself to do just about everything. Nothing sounds like what I want to do, I am MAKING myself function so I don't get further disconnected from reality. I would rather spend my time in bed, cuddling with world's greatest dog, and watching TV or a movie. It is hard for me to admit hurt and sadness because "we", as a society, see those things as a weakness - something I don't do well.

I am frustrated because no matter what I do and what I try to think about my mind just comes back to thinking about feeling sad, being angry, feeling hurt, and scared that this is going to last forever. Sleep has become something I am learning how to live without, when I fall asleep it is just for a few hours and then I am wide awake in the middle of the night. I have tried praying when this happens, works until I stop praying. I have thought of scripture and even the 5 Statement Pledge of Belief from the Beth Moore Bible study I am doing right now (1. God is who He says He is 2. God can do what He says he can do. 3. I am who God says I am. 4. I can do all things through Christ. 5. God's Word is alive and active in me.) that works for about as long as it take to get that out and then I think " Why was I saying that? Oh yeah because ..." I can be in the middle of a sentence and I think about or in the middle of listening and it is all I can do to pay attention to the other person and not the thoughts in my head. Talk about feeling out of control, this is more than I can handle.

I just want to feel normal again, I want to feel safe, and I want to be able to move on. Is this too much to ask?

I have more on this for my next post, until then please pray for me...