Welcome to the Club

I have not forgotten you, my dear blog readers. Life is sad right now.

My life has undergone a major change that I was never fully prepared for, having a brother like David was part of my identity and that is forever changed. I have always had a brother who needed everything done for him. I was always expected to be his caregiver, no exceptions. He was my brother and that is what I did. I have loved him for as long as I can remember and I never really knew how much that meant to me. David could never say thank you or ask for what he needed. With my mom working 2 jobs, I was his major care giver over these past several months. A friend of mine told me once that I was becoming more like a mother to him than a sister, and I agree.

Dealing with myself, my thoughts, and my emotions is a scary thing. I want to be around people and away from home, yet when I get around more than a few people I feel vulnerable and very anxious. I am very emotional and my feelings are getting hurt easily. I hate that, its not the real me. I don't like it and I want it to go away. My mom and I haven't really talked much since Wednesday when the family left. We never really have been able to communicate well, especially about emotional stuff. My family has never been a family that encouraged that sort of thing, really.

I am worried about my mom. I want her to be able to grieve the loss of her son, but more than that I want her to draw near to Christ in her pain and she isn't. After the funeral, I cannot see how anyone there would still continue to "do it on my own" or reject God. It makes me sad and frustrated all at once. I want God's best for her and right now she doesn't have it. Please pray that she sees God working in her life and in mine.

A friend of mine whose brother died several years ago sent me an email today. It said "Welcome to the Club." I really didn't want to be a part of this