Undone. Love. Good word.

If you have been reading my blog for longer than 2 days, you have figured out that I am in a hard season in life. Tonight I came undone. It is that first time in 3 very long, very frustrating, and very emotional weeks that I have allowed myself to cry. I hate crying- it makes me feel so vulnerable and out of control. When I was growing up I was allowed to cry. We always got spanked more for crying or sent to our rooms for doing it. Even when I had cancer and went through a physical hell, I only remember crying in front of my parents a few times. We were allowed to cry for physical pain, but forget it if you were crying because of emotions or hurt feelings. So I have been “trained” and taught that crying is bad and not “allowed.”

Let me give you a quick over view of my last year. Very busy doing ministry. Very little time in worship. Very little time hearing God’s Word. Very little time in the Word and intimate with God. And very few people who noticed or cared. I am sure that most adults can imagine the hurt that has come along with this. God revealed this to me about a month ago and I decided that I wanted better for my life, God’s best for my life. I knew that I was in sin, big time. This is how I cam to the conclusion that I needed to resign as children’s minister and leave the church. After being under that leadership for almost 6 years, I could no longer submit to their authority as God tells us to in Hebrew 13.

So- for the last few weeks I have been holding in tears and emotions that God never intends for me to hold in. This gave me control over one last aspect of my life when all else was going downhill and rapidly accelerating rates. Tonight God allowed me to (or made me) release all of these emotions, or at least start releasing them. I have cried a lot in my life, and sometimes hard. When my cousin died, when I realized the severity of my cancer, after my grandma died, when I have felt overwhelmed and sad in the past few years. Trying as hard as I can, I can not ever remember crying as hard and as long as I did tonight. I lost it… with lots of people around. This was not of me, only God could have ordained this.

I have never felt as much love as I felt during that time, it was overwhelming. After a few minutes of sobbing, Brandi gathered a group of people to pray over me. People whom I barely know gathered to beg God to change my life. Some of the prayers people prayed were amazingly accurate. Without the Holy Spirit there is no way that these people could have known what I was thinking, feeling, and going through. God was faithful to bring all of us together tonight.

There are about a million thought running around in my head right now. I am not sure how to get them in line or at least in groups to organize and understand more clearly. I know that this is a process that I must go through to be able to glorify God at the end of the pain, even harder I need to glorify God in the middle of this pain. I have been reminded that I need to be patient with myself as I go through the processing of all of this stuff. I wish I could take the fast track or at least get the guide book. Then I was reminded that of that was the case, the process would have no value. Good word.

posted by Alicia at 10/3/2004 11:33:51 PM