Amazing

I have had an amazing week. Amazingly hurtful. Amazingly sad. Amazingly scary. Amazingly eyeopening. Amazingly God glorifying.

I resigned as children's minster on Saturday. This is the most terrifying thing I have ever done, but events in the days between then and now have just confirmed that this is what God wanted in my life at this time.

After about a year of lacking in my relationship with God, he graciously and lovingly showed me that I can not minister at this time. This came after months and months of feeling miserable, not liked or even loved, feeling inadequate and ignored. Last Wednesday I asked God to show me the root of my miserable feelings and I heard a lot from Him. Mostly about my sin, but some about the sins committed against me (lack of accountability and equipping, lack of support and equipping, negative feelings about children's ministry and kids) I had to share these things with my pastoral leadership, this was the part that was hard and scary.

At the point when I made this decision. I hadn't had intimate time with God in the Word for months and months. God was not a priority on my list, ministry was and therefore I thought that included God. Boy was I wrong. No one noticed this, I still don't think they truly believe it. I would be asked in passing about my time in the Word and I would lie, BIG SIN. I was never asked what fruit I saw in my life or even what I was reading at the time. I guess that it was assumed because I was a minister that I was in my Bible and close with my Savior. Wrong . I am not proud of this.

I missed 10 weeks of worship in a row. I was either teaching or doing other children's ministry tasks so I missed teaching and worship for adults all summer. This is not the first stretch that this has happened, I can think of at least 3 other 4-9 week periods in the past two years. Here is the part that sent me over the edge, NO ONE NOTICED. My "shepherds" didn't notice. Or if they did they ignored it. After me telling them they still acted like this was no big deal and every children's minister in the world is the same way. That hurts me more than anything else they have done or said to me in 5 and a half years that I have attended this church.

SO after I told them all of this I told them that I would no longer be attending this particular church because of my sin, their sin and Hebrews 13:17. I told them how I had been hurt personally by people and more than that my relationship with God suffered BIG time because of the way the church operates. Needless to say the told me how I was wrong and they were right about all of the above stuff. They agreed that I could step down from a ministry position but that I couldn't leave the church. WHAT IN THE RED FLAG? I was given all the blame for every bad relationship I have had and they took the glory for the few healthy relationship that I have. How is that again? I have no idea.

It has been a very hard week. God has revealed many things to me through my time in the Word in this past week, through friends who have been watching my life fall apart for over a year, through my mom who may be closer to salvation than I can imagine, through extended "family" that I have gained through friends, and other wise counsel. These things have been so hard to see. I am feeling betrayed, beat up, sick to my stomach, angry, abused, confused, unable to trust, and tired.

I know that I need to seek God's heart for real truth because that had obviously been twisted. I am asking God to renew my passion for Him and for a love for His word. I am praying that to be able to give Him all the glory. I am begging God for joy and happiness...Someday it will come. I guess when that day comes I will be able to look back and say... Amazing!