Quiet

My house is extremely quiet today! I am the only one here besides Jackson of course (and he is spending most of the day curled up in his crate!) David and my mom have both been gone for a while and I am enjoying the peace and quiet. Sometimes this kind of quiet hurts my ears and drives me insane, but today I am savoring every second of it.

I have had the TV, and music off all day long. I never really planned this, it just happened... and I never really knew that it had happened until someone asked if it was quiet in my house today or if I was playing the music as loud as I could get it... (usually that is what I do when others are here!) I have heard a million times that we try to quiet the noises and thoughts in our heads by drowning them out. We can escape thoughts, our voice, and God's voice by listening to music, refusing to be alone, watching TV and talking on the phone. I am guilty of all of these things. I would much rather have the TV on two rooms away just so I can hear something other than my thoughts. I always have some kind of noise going on, mostly to avoid what is going on in my head and my heart. Many times I am "busy" all of the time to avoid my own life and emotions.

It is a defense mechanism that seems to work well for me, but God is starting to change that pattern of flesh. He is calling me to spend more time at home, which means more time alone. I hate being alone, its one of the worst things that I can imagine, yet I find myself desiring more and more time alone. In those times God is reminding me and teaching me that I am never really alone, He is always there. Hard to understand, hard to grasp... I am trying.

Today it was as if God called me to the Secret, Quiet Place of His heart and I recognized my need for God and quiet today in a way that I have never experienced before. I can't really explain it...