Here I am trying (Oh, so hard!) to know what God wants from my life. Dissatisfaction and disappointment runs deep in my heart. I get to this point frequently and am often satisfied after quiet time with the One who knows me best. Not today, not yesterday, not really at all in the past two weeks. After living cancer free for nine years, I was tossed back into the fear and uncertainty of having cancer again. Now, what was God thinking? I am 24 years old! It just doesn't seem like a fair deal. How can some people be completely abusive to their bodies and useless to society and live long "happy" lives and I end up looking cancer in the eye yet again? I just can't understand. Here is the good news, however, I am STILL cancer free. In fact today marks the 9th anniversary of my last chemo treatment. (Last week I didn't think I was going to make it to the nine year mark.) I know that nothing has come to me that God doesn't know.
I have seen life as precious. I don't want to waste it! God has given me a 3rd lease on life and I want to make sure that I am doing what will please Him. I just don't understand all of the things going on inside my head. How can I have lived through these past few weeks and still not "GET IT"? What ever "IT" is. (If anyone knows will you please email me!) Why does He value my life so much that he would chose to heal me once, save me, desire eternal relationship with me, and keep me cancer free even now? What does He have planned for my life? How can I even begin to respond in worship to all He has done? How do I keep sin in check? Why do I continue to do things that I know grieve the heart of God? How do I live a life worthy of His calling? What can I do to keep God the #1 priority of my heart and the motive behind all actions? I am not trying to be unrealistic or hard on myself, I do realize that I am human and that I will mess up now and again, but my love for Jesus drives me to strive for theses things. (among others!)
May I interest you in a good book? Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper
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